Testimony of Andie Jane - From Grief Ridden, Suicidal Gen Z to Mighty Woman of God

ALL glory to God for Andie’s life, everything she has experienced and everything she will be doing for the Kingdom of God for the rest of her like as a mighty woman of God. Follow Andie Jane on Facebook to ee how God is using her to reach Gen Z in particular.

Andie-Jane’s Story

Early Years Growing Up

My name is Andie-Jane and I never used to walk in faith until God walked in. Before I knew Jesus, I was a worldly goth. I was living in sin and I hated the world. Mainly because of my past traumas, growing up I didn’t have it easy. I witnessed domestic abuse, and I was shot from pillar to post in richness and luxury on my dads side of his family to not having enough money for food on my mums side of her family. Half my young life was spent in utter confusion, I was spoilt. I wanted what I couldn’t have.

My Solid Rock Shaken

As I grew up, my mums life lessons from being poor helped me realize who I was turning into, and I came back down to earth when I was a teenager. By this point, I was fifteen and doing my GCSE’s and then I lost my 42 year old dad to suicide. My anger and pain was indescribable. I found out how he died off a Facebook status and my life was shattered from then on. But little did I know, God was with me during this heartache. I ended up going to the doctors because I needed mental help.

Being Baptised - No Spiritual Change

As I was sat in the doctors at fifteen years old, I said to my mum I feel like I want to go to church and I’m not sure why, I’ve never been before but it’s on my heart. Anyways, as time went on I couldn’t find a solid foundational church, I visited hillsong church Newcastle and thought I had found my place there, but no this to was wrong. Everyone was getting baptised and I decided to join in, still full of pride with my green hair and many facial piercings, but I didn’t have any idea about what baptism actually meant, I didn’t understand and nobody explained it to me so I got baptised and after nothing changed. So I said to my youth leader ‘why do I not feel changed after this experience?’. She snapped at me saying ‘of course you’re going to feel different after being baptized.’ and I received condemnation. No fault on her personally, because it was all God’s plan and she’s a beautiful person inside and out. But I left hillsong and I didn’t go to any other church, because I was hurt and thought something was wrong with me because I didn’t feel different but others did.

Catapulting Back Into The World of Shame

I carried on in my worldly ways, I turned to drugs and drinking every night. I turned to try and find happiness in ungodly relationships. I loved to be used and hurt by boys, because I had that void of my dad missing from my heart. I turned my emotions off as if I was on auto pilot, I did not care who I hurt and I did not care who hurt me. When deep down, I was in traumatic grief. I don’t just think this is because of my dad taking his own life and because of the special bond we had and how he was literally my best friend above anyone else, but a lot of this pain was because of how public his death was. At a young age, I didn’t really understand. I was angry at myself, I hated myself because I felt guilty as if it were my fault. I carried so much grief and condemnation aimed at only me.

Unforgiveness

Long story short, I ended up getting in a year relationship with this guy, I was completely away from God. I didn’t want to know God, I was quite happy living in my sin because I thought I was meant to be this way, as if there was no hope for me after not feeling differently when I got baptized. It was in the second lockdown, that we had been together for 11 month but we lived by long distance so we decided I was going to stay with him where he lives, so we did. And one day I just woke up feeling the worst and I told him I just want to go back home and I’d see him when I feel better so I did. I was sat in my room and I just felt like life isn’t worth living, drugs don’t fill the void, this relationship doesn’t fill the void, drinking doesn’t fill the void, nothing fills the void that’s inside me because it’s all so temporary. I just didn’t want to be here anymore and I was planning ways to take my own life. I was in utter darkness in my head, and all I kept thinking was this world doesn’t have my dad in it anymore, I just want to go home and be with my dad. I’ll be happy then. I’ll be at peace then. But the other part of me was I could never do that to my mum after her losing my dad. They weren’t together, they broke up when I was 3 month old, but they were still super close up until he passed away. So I’m sat on my bed, and I just hear a whisper in my head ‘pray’. Bearing in mind the last time I prayed was when I was 17, 2 years after I lost my dad and went to hillsong. I’m now 19 years old so this little voice was not me. I was taken back and thought ‘what, pray?’. ‘Me?, No!’. It was just so strong on my heart that I gave in to that pride and stubbornness and did it. As I was praying, I didn’t take it serious at first. But as I started pouring my heart out, the Holy Spirit came upon me so strongly that floods of tears just started and I couldn’t stop. And then I heard the spirit of God say ‘do you not know why you didn’t feel differently when you got baptised?’. And I said no I have no idea why. And He said ‘because you didn’t forgive yourself’. All of a sudden I realize this, oh my goodness yes have I really forgiven myself for everything in my past? No. And I then said ‘Lord I finally forgive myself’. I just kept saying through the uncontrollable tears ‘I forgive myself God’, ‘lord I forgive myself’. And all of a sudden I have this supernatural experience that you are supposed to have when baptised, but of course I’m not in water, yet because I’ve finally forgiven myself which is what I needed to do so that God could work in me and so I could finally surrender and give my life to Him. My sins physically, emotionally, and spiritually lift off my shoulders. I feel that heavy weight lift off and they’re gone. I am sat in awe for five minutes with my mouth open, saying to myself ‘do I really forgive myself for what happened with this in the past?’. And it’s not not there. My pain, my guilt, my shame, my condemnation, it’s all gone. I was a new creation in Christ from that day forward, the spiritual baptism was still there from when i was 17 at hillsong, i just needed to realize it and finally accept it. Still many trials and tribulations I had to go through of course, but that was the start of a very rocky journey because it wasn’t plain sailing after I gave my life.

The Rocky Journey in Christ

And this is the lie that many Christian’s are told, once you give your life to Jesus it’s automatically completely changed, no that’s not true. Because God needs to purify us and refine us first, some can be changed over night but not all the time because personally God has to help them deal with what they have been through in the past. They may need deliverance, once you’re changed in Christ you’re changed in Christ but it’s a journey of the narrow road where God helps you with your past, with your hurt. Giving all your pain and suffering to Him so he can break you down and build you up as a new creation. I went back down to this boys house and God said you will not sleep with this boy anymore. I listened and said lord if he’s not right for me, take him out of my life and if he is right for me he will not care about not having intimacy anymore. But low and behold, he very much cared. For a few weeks he was okay because he thought I was going through a phase and I would change my mind. I didn’t change my mind. But what happened next led me back into the darkness I felt just before my sins were washed.

Life Suddenly Shattered Again

As I was back down with him where he lives, I found out that I lost my 78 year old grandad to ‘a heart attack’. And I was so upset because I loved my grandad, even though I couldn’t see him through the lockdown. I remember as I was in bed I said to this boy jokingly ‘at least he didn’t do what my dad did’. And he jokingly replied ‘yeah, haha, true’. Anyways on the next morning he is at work, and I decide to ring my grandma for more information. And she slips up in the conversation and says ‘I just can’t believe he would do that’. And I said ‘what do you mean do what?, I thought he had a heart attack’. She replied ‘no I’m sorry, he did what your dad did’. And she kept rambling on and on and I didn’t even hear a word of what she said. My heart sank and I was in so much pain from that moment on. I developed an eating disorder essentially, I couldn’t keep food down. Every time I went to eat I couldn’t, I felt instantly sick and it was grief. Grief came out through my digestive system, my nervous system. I was malnourished every day and I just lay in bed, completely in utter darkness and depression. A week goes by and I am still living with this boy, after he found out about my grandad nothing changed with us, we argued all of the time, it was just pure tension because we were stuck with eachother every single day and I was in pain because of what had happened and also I wouldn’t sleep with him anymore so he to was in a frustrated mindset. However, it’s my grandads funeral on the Monday morning and he takes a day off work to be there, turns out this is the last time that we see eachother, because we break up on our year anniversary in the same week on the Friday over text.

Angry at God

I asked God to take him out of my life if he wasn’t right for me, but I didn’t think it would be a week after I’d lost my grandad to suicide and the last time I would see him would be my grandads funeral and then after we would never speak again. I was angry at God because of this as I felt so alone. Mine and his relationship was toxic, but we did have a great friendship so when God took him away I had no one. But God did this to make me realise that he’s the only one I need. Sometimes God takes people away to help us realise we only need Him. Anyway I was angry for about five month, I turned away from God again. I just decided to have casual sex and went back to not caring. I was so angry at God because I just thought why on earth would you do this, why would you take my grandad away after my dad, the same way. Why am I going through this same pain again, after I’d just given my life to you. I had casual sex with two guys in the five month, and nothing changed again. I still felt that void. Although I’d forgiven myself I was just in this same pain again after losing my grandad so I went back into my old ways. Anyways after the second guy I really just felt completely done with it. I turned back to God I repented and i explained my hurt towards him. God helped me realise why am I blaming him when there’s also a devil? The spirit of suicide too. And God also helped me realise that my grandad was tired, he didn’t have the best life and after my dad, he was in deep pain because of it. He was in guilt and shame himself, so I’m more at peace he is at peace even though again, it was traumatic, I am still thankful God took him home because he was finally able to be at peace.

The Condemnation

During this time, for about 8 month I was completely on the right path, I hadn’t drank, smoked, or been in lust. I was just wanting to do the Will of God, the more I got into my bible, the more I prayed, the more I fasted, the more I came closer to God and He came closer to me. One day, I shared a post on Facebook about this man’s journey from living a homosexual lifestyle to then being changed in Christ. I received deep condemnation from so many people including family members who are Christian, and I just kept getting told I am judging them. I am coming in hate and not love. So I thought I’m doing the wrong thing here and I stopped sharing the gospel. I stopped reading my Bible, I stopped praying and fasting because I ultimately received that much condemnation and hurt I just stopped everything to do with God. If I’m receiving condemnation from my Christian family then of course I must be doing the wrong thing right? Exactly, that’s what I thought. Even though I never intended to hurt anyone, I was just sharing this man’s journey of who he was before Christ and who he was after Christ. But because I felt so much shame and guilt, I stopped. I apologized for hurting people when I hadn’t even done anything wrong in the eyes of God. Righteous judgement is what God detests, he hates sin and as Christian’s we are called to share that it’s wrong. In the eyes of God it’s wrong. It isn’t about ‘God loves you, carry on with your lifestyle’. Because that isn’t the gospel. They were angry because it spoke to them with conviction, they were angry because they took it personally through emotion. If they’re angry at you sharing a simple post of someone’s journey to Christ, that’s to do with them personally. Not you. However at the time, I just gave in and apologized. I was hearing things like ‘your dad would be so disappointed in you’. I cried so many times over these couple of months because even family members turned their back on me and wouldn’t even speak to me for weeks and months.

What is a True Disciple?

But six month later after this status I shared, God gave this boldness in me. A boldness I’ve never felt before. I did not cower in fear and I shared what the gospel says. I shared what God hates as righteous judgement. And again, I received hate and condemnation from the same family members and those who don’t know Jesus about a post on abortion. Again I was told I was judging people, and ‘why do I have to share it publicly?’. Well, that’s what the gospel is. Jesus says to share it to end’s of the earth. That doesn’t just mean ‘God loves you, give your life.’ It means saying what you’re doing is wrong in the eyes of God, however, there’s hope and salvation in Jesus and He can help you change from within’. If they don’t want to change then they won’t listen and that’s okay, it’s their own choice to reject God, but if we miss those opportunities, they will still be living that way. They’ll still be living in sin and we had a chance to warn them and chose not to share the gospel because we are afraid of their opinions and feelings towards what God says is wrong anyway. We are to put God above everything and that’s including how others feel. Because Jesus says ‘the heart is deceitful above all things, who can know it?’ Jeremiah 17:9.

Spread & Speak The Truth in Love

We are to share the gospel no matter how much hate we receive. Jesus got hated and still shared the truth and we are called to do the same. I noticed after receiving condemnation again with this second post, that I have been living in fear of my Christian family and friends who choose not to share the true gospel. And as it happened a second time, receiving this boldness God has given me, that I ultimately have done nothing wrong again. And I am not going to cower in fear another time and bow down to man and say I’m sorry. I am not sorry for sharing God’s truth, I put God above people. The word comes first. And then actions. Actions in truth. If we don’t share the truth through actions then how are we truly Christians? That’s lukewarmness. That’s not truly being a disciple.

Breaking The Chains

So anyway I stopped living in that fear and carried on sharing God’s truth and I was receiving messages from people saying I needed to hear this. It spoke conviction to me and I want to change. More and more I realized I was doing God’s work. I was being a true disciple. The more bold I became, the more I didn’t care about what others thought anymore. I stood on the truth and I kept preaching it out. I didn’t care about how much I’d be hated because even Jesus says ‘If the world hates you, just remember it hated me first’. John 15:18. And I receive peace from that scripture. God placed on my heart, the more I turned away from fear the more he could do in me what the devil did not want me to do. Because I’d bring many to Jesus, not by my own strength or my own selfishness, but because God has chosen me. Just like he has chosen you and what purpose he wants for you. For God says ‘He loves all of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose’ Roman’s 28:8.

My Calling

For a long time I’ve always felt called to ministry mainly because it was a desire of mine for a long time when I was at hillsong from 17, but I just thought no not me. It can’t be me. I was like Timothy in the Bible when he felt he couldn’t do what God called him too, one of these reasons being young. But Jesus doesn’t see our age, if we are spiritually mature then God will do what his will is no matter how young you are. Daniel defeated Goliath the giant and he was only a child. it was just a deepening on my heart with this boldness God had given me from that second post, finally no longer cowering in fear. A real deep feeling I just couldn’t shake no matter how hard I tried to that came upon me a couple of weeks later. I felt called to ministry but I still felt the condemnation of ‘I’m young I can’t do it.’ I was scared to take that step, yes I’d let go of fear, but I still struggled to step out in faith. But ultimately I put God above man, and if God feels I’m ready then I’m ready.

Confirmation From The Holy Spirit

I had already felt this on my heart weeks before I stayed with Paul and his three girls. But when I went down for a few days spending time for Isabella’s birthday, it was confirmation from God through him, a brother in Christ that he to felt I am called to ministry. I received a phone call from a friend who I knew at hillsong, who rang me up from Australia and said a similar thing that I could be called to ministry and my age didn’t matter if God wanted to work through me. And how he would help me set it up. It’s so profound how God works as this friend from hillsong, we had never talked since I was 17 and he rang me up during this time of trying to step out in faith, at now the age of 21. This is five years later. God told him to go to Australia from the uk and he’s been there ever since. Originally from India and I didn’t even know that he did ministry in Australia. He let me know what God has done through him and in his life which related to my calling and what i felt was on my heart.

Worshipping in Spirit And in Truth

And then when I did stay down in crewe with Paul and the girls, God placed on the girls hearts, particularly Sofia to go to Liverpool. So we made our way there, parked the car and just got led where ever we were supposed to go. And we seen this girl busking, Paul went over to her and she was a Christian. And she said it was okay for me to do some worship on the mic, so I did. My first time stepping out in faith singing in the spirit in public on the streets. And I loved it. I felt this was the right thing, I was at peace and in harmony when I was just worshipping God to strangers passing by. I felt this was it. Worship in the streets, preaching the gospel and evangelizing was the calling God has on my life even if I’m young or not. With a mic, to strangers. I was so happy and I enjoyed it so much. I sang solo without any tune in the background once I finally got comfortable without the music. Just lyrics that were coming from my heart, pure and transparent worship from the soul. Another confirmation I was meant to do this, was I received ten pounds from someone and it wasn’t even my busking station. I was so thankful for God bringing this girl into our lives that day, and what he did through us.

Don’t Judge a Book By It’s Cover

A drunk man was heckling and being nasty to this Christian busker, and everyone was afraid and didn’t really know what to do. God just somehow got me to talk to him, and I witnessed to him about Jesus and he told me his life story, he got so emotional and really his heart had been through so much. People can see the outwards appearance and was angry he was heckling and being nasty. But sometimes it goes so much deeper than that. Why are they acting like this? I continued to tell him about asking Jesus into his life. And while he was drunk and I could see the way his face changed at the name of Jesus, he ultimately softened at hearing about it. I asked if I could pray over him and he didn’t want that to happen but I just kept saying speak to God alone, and ask him to come into your life, and watch your situation change. Especially from all the pain he had been through in his life he was testifying to me about. I gave him a hug after saying our goodbyes and left but ultimately i placed a seed of the gospel in him to grow.

Answering My Calling And Finally Listening

In that day it just became clear to me what I’m meant to do. I’m meant to worship, and share the good news to strangers. God revealed more and more that I would just live by faith, going around the uk with my worshipping station and microphone and just go wherever the Lord was leading me, to testify about the gospel but witnessing to others life situations and helping them too. Sharing my testimony to help others aswell. And just be a true disciple going around the uk, leaving any worldly jobs I currently had, and brothers and sisters opening their doors to me around the uk to stay and live with them by faith for short times, or however long I was meant to be there. And this is the start of my journey.